Those of us who eagerly await the Rapture are anxious to know what to expect - - will we meet old friends there, what are the living arrangements, are pets allowed, are there Thursday night bridge clubs and so on? After many years of talking to the dear departed through mediums and the internet, and using the visions vouchsafed to St. John the Divine, as described by him in Revelation, a clearer picture of Heaven is starting to emerge.
While recent research has thrown up doubts about some aspects of St. John's description (see appendix), Revelation is still an important source of hard information. For those not fully familiar with St. John's words it is, however, important to be aware of Revelation Chapter 14, verses 2 -4. These verses refer to the hundred and forty and four thousand souls who are to be redeemed from the earth, but goes on to say "these are they which were not defiled with women; for they are virgins. These are they that follow the Lamb wheresoever he goeth." So if you are male but not a virgin you may not be admitted to the real Heaven, as described below.
So what Heaven is really like?
First, on passing you will experience a blinding warm white light and a sensation of rising up out of the body, rather like the effect of drinking a cup of hot Cadbury's Drinking Chocolate. Your life will pass before you (if your life has been as dull as most) in about two seconds. The haze will lift and before you - - contrary to your expectations - - will be revealed a scene reminiscent of the Virginia suburbs of Washington D.C:- a sprawl of concrete condominiums, fast food takeouts, power lines strung between buildings, parking lots, traffic lights and advertising hoardings. The strip malls look as if they are about to fall down. There is a lack of signposting and the streets that you might expect to be paved with gold are in fact full of potholes. There is trash everywhere. This is all due to the development policies of the Halliburton company, which bought the rights to Heaven while no one was looking. This and the preoccupation with prayer and fasting means no one has an incentive to make the place look beautiful or effect repairs. It is also very crowded with all kinds of riff-raff. You don't go to heaven for peace and quiet. The endless broadcasting of the angels singing praises gets irritating, and you can have too much harp music, but you soon learn to ignore it. I-pods are illegal but most people bring them.
Who is not allowed in?: As indicated above, not everyone is admitted. St John says, " And there shall in no wise enter in it any thing that defileth, neither whatsoever worketh abomination, or maketh a lie."(21.27). This excludes American lawyers, British estate agents, pre-owned car dealers, talk show hosts and SUV owners. The vetting process is thorough. Personal identification is required and a virginity scan is conducted. On acceptance you will be issued with a new pass showing your death mask at time of passing.
Governance: The Democratic Heavenly Community Committee (DHCC) controls all aspects of life in Heaven. Seeing the unfairness and inequality on Earth it has decreed a lengthy period of re-education to accustom Americans (in particular) to a fair society.
Equality: There is total equality in Heaven, no rich and no poor. All deaders have the same rights to the liberty, freedom and the pursuit of happiness that didn't work out too well on Earth. They are guaranteed freedom of speech, of movement and of the vote.
Democracy: All deaders have a single vote registered on paper voting slips and counted by independent bureaucrats. Electronic voting machines were found to have been programmed to favor one point of view. Heaven pays the cost of election to the DHCC and it is illegal to pay private money to candidates. The election period is six weeks. Lobby groups may make an argument but not a payment. Anyone found doing secret deals for profit is sent to burn in Hell. (Coordinates: of Hell: Messrs Hannity, Coulter and Limbaugh, The Gated Community, Hell, FL 22132. This independent contractor can arrange for any friends you have there to receive fresh water and fire extinguishers. Your friends can in turn send you champagne, caviar, fast cars, subscriptions to gambling joints etc. They cannot send you pole dancers or lapsed Catholics. These are forbidden to leave the fires of Hell).
Education and Culture: Continued education is compulsory. Those found to have a vocabulary of less than 20,000 words are subject to re-education. Daily concerts by the heavenly choir are obligatory, as are lectures on Shakespeare, physics and chemistry, natural selection and evolution and morning chapel. Any grumbling results in three weeks peeling potatoes.
Sex: St.John tells us "…..I have a few things against thee, because thou sufferest that woman Jezebel, which calleth herself prophetess, to teach and seduce my servants to commit fornication, and to eat things sacrificed unto idols. And I gave her space to repent of her fornication; and she repented not." This means that although you might find your wife or other loved one in Heaven sexual congress is forbidden and virginity is carefully policed. Women have to keep a low profile and refrain from influencing men, keeping their opinions to themselves. Homosexuals and transvestites are forgiven their trespasses and are welcome, but seduction, fornication and prophesying are banned.
Employment: Deaders are allowed to pursue the jobs they had on Earth, for the prophet specifically says, "Blessed are the dead… Yea, saith the Spirit that they may rest from their labours; and their works do follow them".
Money: All the above work is paid at the same rate per hour, enough to cover a roof over your head, food and other necessities of life. Profligates and the super-rich have to learn how to manage on less. Since there are no banks, financial institutions or companies, there are no expenses to fiddle.
Power and light: Light emanates from the saints who have lived their lives without sex, envy, cheating, and lies. It is wise to avoid them. They can be a little dull. Which brings us to…….
Boredom: "Only bores are bored" is the belief in the New Jerusalem, so you are expected to have a real good time singing Kumbaya, wholesome hymns and songs of adoration. A positive, smiling posture is encouraged when turning round to shake the hands with total strangers in church services. There is no TV. Those who have only watched the Murdoch news channels (such as Fox News Channel) may be deported to Hell if they do not repent of their sins. The obese have to attend the gym every day or likewise be dispatched to Hell. (For transport to hell contact Messrs Hannity, Coulter and Limbaugh, The Gated Community, Hell, FL 22132)
Health: All deaders have to attend the Heavenly Health Clinic to cure them of whatever they died of.
Food: Food costs the same for everyone and is simple and wholesome without additives, although Halliburton is soon to introduce its own range of "health foods".
Law and order: The DHCC policy states, "an effective militia being of no possible use, the ownership of guns of any kind is strictly prohibited." Lawyers will be re-trained since competitive posturing and nitpicking is out of place in Heaven.
Sport: Gyms and swimming pools are available, but owing to the fact that the New Jerusalem is only twelve thousand furlongs square (Revelation) and the place is already overcrowded owing to the increase of liberals who have died and ended up there, there is no room for golf courses.
Pets: Deaders can be reunited with their departed pets, but pet grooming is regarded as socially divisive and is banned, along with poodles.
Clothing: Because clothing is in short supply, deaders should keep a close eye on it. "Behold, "sayeth the prophet, "I come as a thief. Blessed is he that watcheth and keepeth his garments, lest he walk naked and they see his shame." (Revelation 16.15).
Selfishness: Selfishness, drunkenness, loutish behavior, telling lies and thinking only of yourself may be corrected with cognitive therapy, or not be as the case may be. Those who cannot adjust to the mild manner in which people speak to one another in the New Jerusalem may apply for alternative accommodation through Messrs Hannity, Coulter and Limbaugh, The Gated Community, Hell, FL 22132.
Comedy and sense of humor: Those who are able to laugh at themselves are allowed every week to choose between free chocolate cake and a gallon of chocolate ice cream.
Incentives, capitalism, free enterprise, all that crap: There is no g.n.p and no CEOs, so there is nothing to get ahead for. Those who demand lower taxes are cast into the bottomless pit. (Contact information for Hell: Messrs Hannity, Coulter and Limbaugh, as above).
Religion: The DHCC has decreed that religion as practiced on earth is a daft superstition. It is a waste of resources to have all those bricks and mortar and priests and statuettes. For it is written, "And the beast was taken, and with him the false prophet that wrought miracles before him, with which he (the beast) deceived them that had received the mark of the beast and them (the people) that worshipped his image. These both were cast alive into a lake of fire burning with brimstone." (phew!) (Revelation 19.20) (Access to the lake available from Messrs Hannity, Coulter and Limbaugh, address as above).
The family: Heaven is love and the nuclear family of a husband, a wife and two nuclear children is not encouraged owing to the failure of the idea on Earth. Deaders are judged by their genuine love, tolerance and good works, not by the composition of the family.
Recent studies have shown that there may be errors in St. John the Divine's account of the heavenly Jerusalem. For instance, he claims that the light of the city was "like unto a stone most precious, even like a jasper stone, clear as crystal" (Revelation 21.11). This is not possible - - jasper is an opaque, reddish brown variety of chalcedony. Again, he claims that the city itself was "pure gold, like unto clear glass" (Revelation 21.18). This is unrealistic. You cannot have gold like clear glass.
Some experts have claimed St. John experienced his visions in Patmos while sampling a hallucinatory drug, probably opium. Thus his account of the New Jerusalem cannot be relied upon. Indeed, were he alive today and living in the United States he would be guilty of a felony and join the two million people incarcerated for involvement in drugs. There is no truth in these speculations.