We can now take you over to campaign headquarters, where Senator Robert "Bobcat" Hanrott, candidate for President of the United States, is addressing a Press Conference in Philadelphia:
Good morning, Ladies and Gentlemen,
Two hundred and twenty one years ago, in a hall across the street from where we now stand, a group of men gathered to launch America's experiment in democracy. Farmers and scholars, statesmen and patriots, who had traveled across an ocean to escape tyranny and persecution finally made real their declaration of independence here in Philadelphia. The nation they founded became the greatest nation in history and the hope of the world, and I am wearing a flag pin to emphasize this fact, in contrast to my opponent who has more than one suit and pretends he forgot to transfer the flag to his current jacket.
As a proud American I deplore the corruption, the bribery, the sexual delinquency, the culture of drugs, the evasion of taxes, the drunk driving and the gambling, the power of money in politics and the influence of special interests that are hallmarks of my opponent and his party. These perversions of morals and sheer indecency are so harmful to this great nation of ours and I will fight, fight and fight on your behalf to root out every trace of them and return America, the light of the world and exemplar of democracy, to you the people.
So let me not dwell on the challenges that face our great nation and boring things like Medicare, Social Security, and the war in Iraq that has now gone on for over five years, and address the real concerns of you, the media, in 2008.
In the interests of transparency I'd like to discuss my marriage and the sexual affairs I have had during my public life, from the time when as a young man I knocked on doors to get out the vote, through my time as Senator of these United States of America to this great moment when I stand before you as the next President of the United States.
When I was younger I absent-mindedly got engaged to three different women simultaneously. My motto has always been "Time spent on reconnaissance is seldom wasted", and I'm a strong believer in careful research. If you are a successful politician all sorts of women come on to you hoping to become First Lady - - the quick and the half dead, tall women, short women, fat and thin women, plain women who talk a lot and a cute minority with great legs. You have to choose carefully and be sure to pick a blonde who will stand beside you by the podium looking supportive when the media find you out. You can't choose a pertner on the strength of a single night or a meal in the hotel after the event. You need more in-depth experience. So I stand for thoroughness, preparedness and judgment, in contrast to my opponent, who rushes into everything and is rumored to be a disappointment. As for my affairs, I prefer to put a clear plastic bag over my head so that I can watch in a mirror while a blonde prostitute in black leather thongs lashes my back with a whip. My experience of foreign affairs is many times that of my opponent, who has only traveled to Iraq, where good looking gals are thin on the ground. I have spent days negotiating high-powered deals with government officials in Bangkok, with civil servants on Reeperbahn in Hamburg and with businessmen no better than they ought to be in the dockland area of Piraeus.
As a member of the Senate Suppression of Sexual Activity Committee that seeks to return this great country of ours to the New England Puritan heritage so dear to my party and to all right-thinking families in the heartland, I like to make well-crafted decisions and to understand the criminal mind. It is for this reason that I've made a video of myself with a young lady (she may look under-age but she assures me she isn't) in an establishment called the D-Light One-hour Motel. The video is short, about fifteen minutes. At my age I can't last any longer. The idea put about by my opponent, however, that I have engaged in weekly orgies is preposterous. How can you call sharing a hotel room with only two naked young ladies an orgy? In any case, I'm sixty-nine, goddam it!
Let me turn to the allegation that I accepted bribes from State building contractors to feather my own nest. This is completely true. This I did on a consistent basis in order to be able to reduce the need to fundraise on the phone when people are in the middle of dinner. As for the charge that I received preferential treatment from a Chairman of a Planning Commission (whose appointment I did, it is true, influence), I needed an extension to my current home so that I could have somewhere quiet to interview interns. Don't we all deserve some peace and quiet?
I come now to the eight people who at one time or another, either in prison or during their trials, have alleged that they supplied me with cocaine. Again, this is true. I like to be hospitable and inclusive. Members of the opposition party, including on several occasions, my opponent, have come to dinner and I like to offer them a good time. It loosens the tongue, encourages honesty and is a great way to get political deals done.
The allegation has been made that in return for lump sum cash I sold the last remaining State forest for development when I was Governor and that it is now a housing development with six thousand houses on it. What's wrong with that? Owing to the policies of the current Administration young people cannot afford the price of houses or realize the American Dream. I will make it possible for them to do just that with my plan for a new range of sub-prime mortgages at only 22%. The idea is brilliant. The young people sign up for a mortgage and get the home of their dreams without the worry of foreclosure. The taxpayer pays 85% of the cost of the mortgage and my friends and I place the interest in a small bank in Guernsey. In the interest of complete transparency, I have shares in the bank.
Concerns have been expressed that on several occasions I was stopped on the highway and tested for driving under the influence. But this was normal spot check and I was able to persuade the officer concerned that since I am Chairman of the Federal Law and Order Committee his best interests are not served by pursuing the matter. As for spending large sums of campaign money in Las Vegas, this was part of my investigation into immorality and sex. I can't tell you how shocked I was by Las Vegas! What a sink of iniquity. I was there for three weeks.
Questioner: Is it true, Senator, ……..
Senator: No, no, let him interrupt. It's a free country. You can put away the baton, officer.
Questioner: ….Is it true that you had a reporter beaten up at the Caesars Palace Hotel when he was found peering in through the window of your apartment and allegedly saw you with a group of young boys in a compromising position?
Senator: I was certainly instructing the boys in basic Scouting techniques, such as "Be Prepared" and what to do if you found yourself in the jungle without clean underwear. I certainly did not instruct my Secret Servicemen to throw the creep down fifty-two floors onto the patio below. They used their own initiative. I can promise you that when I am in the White House I will always choose the best people, people who can make decisions when the phone rings at three in the morning and who can use their own initiative. They'll have to, because I will be sound asleep, resting up from clearing brushwood.
It is, my friends, openness and scrupulous honesty that makes me a true American and prepares me so well to be your President. It's true that I avoided the draft thanks to a large sum of money paid over by my uncle, but I have been to Jerusalem several times. Only last week I visited the Wailing Wall in Jerusalem and refused to meet a single Palestinian because they are all terrorists and are trying to steal the land Israelis have lived on for centuries. I carry a handgun with me at all times and believe the U.S flag should be flown at church services and on every American-built car. The right wing was worried about my stance on Darwinism, so I can categorically say that the world was created in seven days around six thousand years ago. The oil lobby also wanted clarification on my attitude to global warming and lessening our dependence on foreign oil, so my policy will be to allow the oil majors to drill at taxpayer's expense until they've discovered how to run cars on hydrogen. Lastly, I support the war on terror against the massive armies of terrorists trying to blow up this country that we love so well. I'm also going to fight to defend us against Islamists and Al Queda. I am in short a true patriot and a fighter against socialized medicine and tax on the rich. Have I left anything out?
Questioner: "Senator, there is a rumor going the rounds that three years ago you bought sexy underwear for the female members of your staff from public funds. Can you comment?
Senator: This is such "old politics", just the sort of thing I am running for President to change. We need to get away from the politics of personal destruction and head towards the uplands of honesty and integrity.
Questioner: Oh, O.K.
Questioner: Yesterday I received an anonymous tip-off that you exceeded the speed limit on the I95 freeway at three in the morning. Can you comment?
Senator: At a time when our brave fighting men are in Afghanistan, bravely fighting for freedom and liberty, it is an insult to the American people to ask questions such as this.
Questioner: Oh, O.K.
Senator: If that's all, I want to say how much I have enjoyed discussing ther issues that really affect the man and woman in the street, the thrust and parry of debate with you all, the investigative thoroughness and the searching questions. It's only in America that politicians are held to account like this by the media. Now I'm off to play golf with a bunch of media moguls, your bosses I guess. So, have you guys heard the joke about the Texan, the New Yorker and the Californian?