My Correspondence with Saddam Hussein

To: Don, Wolfy, all crusaders, and assorted infidels

Cc: All axis of evil countries
Sent: Friday, June 13, 2003 6.59 AM
Subject: Winning eventually

Greetings! Allahu Akhbar!

I write to you from my hiding place under a restaurant just two blocks away from the Imperial American Headquarters in storied Baghdad.

It is hot and stuffy down here, and I miss my palaces and Louis Quinze reproduction furniture. Nonetheless, I am enjoying myself hugely.

You will recall that I am an admirer of Stalin. A great man! In order to defend his backward country from the Nazi invader, it was necessary for him to ruthlessly eliminate opposition and control both information and the means of production.

Stalin withdrew into the endless steppe and destroyed Hitler’s armies. He devised this strategy after studying the defeat of Napoleon by the Tsar in 1812. The Russians had retired in orderly fashion before the invader, destroying everything in the path of the French advance. Not a farm, not a barn, not a wheat field, and barely a town was left standing. And when Buonaparte was exhausted, dispirited and his lines of supply stretched thin, only then did the Tsar strike. A no-brainer, really.

Iraq is not Russia. We couldn’t withdraw with an army into a vast hinterland. But in some ways we could copy Stalin. Smash, hide or steal everything in the path of the crusaders, the oil pumping equipment, hospital heart monitoring machines, government paper clips, even the concrete blocks in the Basra sidewalks. Everything needing to be replaced, a public sector wasteland created! Slash and burn. Scorched earth.

Meanwhile, I peel a grape, sit on three billion dollars and wait in my restaurant just two blocks away from the Imperial American Headquarters in storied Baghdad.

As you know, the war was a walk-over. My troops just melted away, leaving Bush to strut his stuff: how powerful, how unbeatable we are – the greatest superpower ever in the history of the world. Sure. I agree. It’s dumb to confront all those helicopter gun-ships and guided missiles head-on. Smarter to melt away to fight another day. Resist just enough to allow the crusaders to pat themselves on the back for outstanding heroism and be lauded by a sycophantic press. Then, just disappear.

So, I’m biding my time. I told the troops, “Off you go, lads, become civilians, cause just enough trouble to keep the Americans in their flack jackets and armored cars. Keep them jittery and trigger-happy enough to annoy even the Kurds.”

It’s American election time in eighteen months. By that time even those who hate me will be seething at the occupation, if they are not already. By that time the American public will be bored with Iraq and be on to the next national enemy. Go for it, Kim in North Korea!

Then I will emerge, a hero, promising firm government, security, clean streets and brandishing those missing electricity grid maps. Will the Crusaders want a re-match? Doubt it. They hate admitting they were fooled. The Taliban is finished in Afghanistan, yes? And Saddam is finished in Iraq. They wish! Can’t wait to get back to my palaces, my reproduction Louis Quinz furniture and stringing up Chalabi and his fellow exiles.

Talk to you again soon!

An Ex-foreign Service officer sent a reply:

Extensive Agency analysis is inconclusive re authenticity of this document. Main red flag is reference to “Louis Quinz (sic) reproduction furniture.”

Audio tapes regarding interior decoration (Source: ITALENT 9/23/02) refer to “Louie (as transcribed) Farook” as subject’s preferred appellation for such intramural effects. Otherwise, tone and drift are consistent with subject’s history. Please send to Luti (2) in OSD for buffing prior to WH transmission.

I replied:

Luti says he never thought of it (Saddam being where he says he is, that is), but he’ll get the guys to come out from behind the barbed wire, walk down the street and see if there’s a restaurant there.

Luti: Deputy-Undersecretary William J. Luti, chief of the Pentagon’s Middle East policy and head of the “Office for Special Plans”. The co-author with Mr. Wolfowitz of the disastrous plan for post-war Iraq.

To: Don, Wolfy, all crusaders, and assorted infidels

Cc: All axis of evil countries
Sent: Wednesday, March 17, 2004 6.59 AM
Subject: Winning

Greetings! Allahu Akhbar!

The last time I wrote to you, Allah be praised, was in June 2003. At the time I was situated under a restaurant just two blocks away from the Imperial American Headquarters in storied Baghdad.

You are no doubt eager to know how I come to be writing to you, given my new accommodation which is by now well known. Believe me, when you have a billion dollars in a Swiss bank account you can use anybody’s computer.

My daughters asked me, “Dad, aren’t you depressed about being found by the Crusaders in that hole of yours?” I told them, I said, why be down a hole in the ground when you can get three meals a day and play mind games with your American interrogators? I got one of my men to spill the beans. More fun this way. I got a hot bath, too.

Let me tell you, these guys are AMATEURS! Boy scouts! Interrogation, schminterrogation! I had thirty years perfecting techniques of persuasion. Hot pokers, pulled finger nails, water drips, high frequency noise, boy, I was good in those days! These guys just leave you standing for hours with the lights on and photograph you naked having sex with other prisoners. I’ll spill the beans with them doing that? We had the Red Cross turn up the other day. Are they treating you right, said they? Sure, said I, I’ll let you know if they ever really start questioning me.

I guess you thought you’d heard the last of Saddam, Hammer of the Heretic, eh? Not if they organize a show trial before the Crusader election, you haven’t! That Rum Baba, the fellow who runs the Pentagon – I kept the invoice. I recorded everything he said. The recording’s in the Swiss bank. Which? Not letting on.

Trial? Bring it on!


P.S : I can pay for anything I want here, but the contractor that does the food, laundry, ammo, landmines, blindfolds etc, what’s-its-name, Halli-whatever, has run out of catsup. Drop a bottle in the mail will you?
To: All true Sunni Moslems, greetings!

Sent: Friday, November 19, 2004 6.59 AM
Subject: Winning eventually
From Saddam Hussein to all true Sunni believers, salaam aleikum!

Unless you live in the American mid-West or bible belt and you only listen to local TV and radio, you will know that I was betrayed and fell into the hands of the imperialist occupying forces. It was quite a relief. This way I get three meals a day.

So how come, you will ask, am I sending emails from prison? Simple really. The capitalist market place. I have a billion US dollars in Western banks. I have something to offer and the employees of Halli-whatsit are keen to take it.

So you thought I was finished? You thought it was just the matter of the trial, then the firing squad and pouff! end of Saddam? Nah! Not so fast. The big picture is as follows: first, at any so-called trial I’m gonna spill the beans about Don Rumsfeld. So they’re in no hurry to put me on trial. Mind you, that Bush crowd is so shameless they’d manage to make the American public think that I sold America the poison gas!

So I guess I’ll be hanging around here in jail until the occupying forces (may Allah curse their grandchildren’s grandchildren) have left with their tails between their legs and the American media have stopped reporting on Iraq altogether.

Second, despite what you might think, things are going as planned. If I’d had my way when I took over the country back whenever, I’d never have included Shias and Kurds in the country in the first place. They’ve always been a pain in the neck and Iraq has always been a hodge-podge (do you call it?) stuck together by the British (may Allah curse their mothers and their daughters’ daughters).

So let the Kurds have their own country and really annoy the Turks; and let the Shias have their country, under the influence of Iran, and really annoy the Americans. Meanwhile the scenario is this: let that crowd of carpet-baggers and yes-men hold their “elections”. My brave Sunni fighters will keep up the struggle for national liberation and Sunni sympathizers won’t vote. The new “government” will have no credibility. Iraq will remain ungovernable, as usual, and will break up into it’s constituent parts. All I have to do is to sit tight until that time and then triumphantly re-emerge as DICTATOR OF SUNNI IRAQ!!

I imagine you’ll be thinking, “Fat chance! There are thousands of Sunnis out there who hate Saddam and will never let him back.” Wait and see. Wait and see.

The strategy’s a bit tricky. Depends on what happens first: whether the corrupt “government” assassinates me here in jail, or my freedom fighters rescue me as the Americans are going out the back door.

Assassination is quite probable, but Allah is great! He has given me some really stupid opponents! Watch this (jail) space.